Confidence is the #1 Killer of Self-Employment
I always thought confidence was rooted in fear. Basically I thought I was just afraid. In a recent blog post, 45 Things + 5, this has been a popular Wes’ism where I wrote, “15. Fear is why we don't do things and why we do things.” Recently I had a conversation with someone that gave me a different point of view. They said, “You can have confidence and still be afraid.” Of course I knew this, I’ve experienced this, but hearing it blew my mind and made sense at the same time. Confidence is knowing that you CAN do something, despite your fears. Many times you have no idea what the outcome will be, but have “blind confidence” that everything will work out fine. This seems to come with experience, but many new entrepreneurs I meet are crippled by a lack of confidence which prevents them from taking risks or quitting their dream altogether. I was determined to understand more about confidence. Why are some people more confident than others? Does confidence determine your success as an entrepreneur? Can confidence be learned?
What types of confidence are there?
Confidence is not just one thing and if you are confident in one area, it doesn’t mean you are confident in all areas. For example, you may have confidence with friends, but lack confidence at work. So how many types of confidence are there? A lot, but these are the ones we experience the most:
Self-Confidence
You believe that not only do you have the necessary skill to complete the task, you feel you are making the right decision. Even though you may not have experience in a particular situation, your confidence can come from the idea that what you are about to engage in is similar to other interactions you have had, thus this should workout just fine.
Social Confidence
We’ve all seen this one before. The person that can walk into a room and easily talk with complete strangers. This person is comfortable in social situations and engaging with others. If you don’t have Social Confidence, bring this person with you to your next networking event!
Epistemic Confidence
This one is interesting and similar in concept to self-confidence, but the way Epistemic Confidence works is that you truly believe you know how to do the task at hand. Your mind tells you that believing it is the same as actually already knowing how to do it. I think we’ve all seen an example of this one before. “Here, hold my beer!”
Self-efficacy
I think this one is my favorite. You believe that you can do things in the future, without knowing anything about how you will do it or what exactly it is, but you just feel that you will absolutely be able to do it. We’ve all met people like this. Maybe this is a little bit of blind confidence, but maybe there’s some manifestation built in there too. I think many entrepreneurs and CEOs are like this.
Why do we lack confidence?
When we lack confidence it can severely reduce someone's quality of life. It impacts their choices and may prevent them from pursuing the life they want. Low self-confidence can occur for many reasons and some you might be surprised of. The most talked about are:
Childhood Trauma
This can come from parents, relatives, teachers, friends or anyone you came into contact with. Results can be feelings of inadequacy from critical treatment.
Social Relationship Issues
Occurs from bad relationships, financial problems, bullying, harassment or feeling like you need to conform to others.
Deaths
Death of a loved one can absolutely create negativity, one feeling empty, worthless and even a disconnection with one self.
Mental Health
People that suffer from anxiety, depression and are often critical of themselves, struggle with mental health and low self-esteem.
Physical Health
If you experience chronic pain, have a serious illness or physical disabilities it can absolutely affect your confidence and self-esteem.
Genetics
Somewhat surprising is that you can have low self-esteem without any environmental or physical attributes whatsoever because your confidence-boosting chemicals are out of balance in your brain!
How do we gain confidence?
Most reasons why we lack confidence are not that surprising. In this connected world, personal family experience, watching movies and from friendships, we all probably know what self-confidence is and have either experienced it ourselves or know some that suffer from a lack of it. I’ve personally had moments of the lack of self-confidence only to get it back a short time later. If confidence can leave quickly and come back quickly, what’s the formula for keeping it around or limiting the time it leaves in the first place?
Practice getting rid of negative self-talk
Yes, it is a practice. We tend to get into ruts, so if you feel you are saying too much negative self-talk or someone is telling you that you are, tune in to when you are doing it and self correct or when you catch yourself being negative, write it down. Sometimes when we see it in writing and read it over and over, we finally get the message.
Stop comparing yourself to others (I like to say run your own race.)
Get rid of the metrics. Most of the time we aren’t comparing correctly, it’s not even balanced. You know what my metric is? Finish. Complete it. When you start focusing on the stuff YOU DO and not what others are doing, it’s like someone turned the lights on. Try it!
Celebrate the small wins, then the big ones
When I first started consulting, every time I got paid from a client, I’d celebrate by treating myself to my favorite taco shop. Later, I would do something for myself. Something I didn’t have time for and I would just put off. When I treated it like a celebration and a “win” then it had a greater meaning, because I got to do the work I really needed and wanted to do and it meant that I really did win!
Find an exercise that you like
I like lots of different activities. To keep up on those activities, I need to exercise. If I haven’t exercised for a while, I start walking. Then I start running. Eventually I’m back to working out. It’s a process, but it works every time.
Set a goal
In 2019 I ran two marathons and two half marathons. My goal was to run one marathon. Then a friend asked me to run a marathon with him. They were six months apart, so I agreed. In between the first marathon, I found there was a half-marathon I could do to train. It worked well, so I did another half marathon to train for the second marathon. Because I set one goal, just one, all these other great things happened to me. Sometimes all you need is just one goal.
Make new friends by doing stuff you like to do
If you like camping, start going camping. If you like to ride bikes, start riding bikes. If you like dogs, start walking your dog. People are waiting for you there. My wife and I walk our dogs every day. We wave to complete strangers and have conversations with complete strangers and that wouldn’t happen if we weren’t out there to meet them. What’s great about doing the stuff that you like to do is, you get to pick the friends you make.
Stay out of the past
Again, on my blog post, 45 Things + 5, I have another Wes’ism, “28. Stay out of the past, it's not what you remember”. Have you ever gone back and did something from your past you know you shouldn’t do only to kick yourself, because it turned out to be something you thought might be better this time around? Yep, we tend to romanticize the past. There's a reason it’s in your past. You learned a lesson. Focus on the present. Be excited and plan the next great thing in your life. How exciting is it to plan for something wonderful just around the corner!?
So what about those questions I asked earlier?
Why are some people more confident than others?
It always seems that some people are more confident than others, because they have practiced more to be more self-confident…in the activity during the moment you see them. Remember, people aren’t confident at everything all the time. Choose what you want to be confident in and practice that.
Does confidence determine your success as an entrepreneur?
No. In fact, I’ve seen several great entrepreneurs fake confidence. Yes, many entrepreneurs are confident, but they have practiced a lot to appear confident. If I had to choose a trait that I would say is more important than confidence, it would be perseverance. That’s something I think is actually more of a determination of success than confidence.
Can confidence be learned?
Absolutely confidence can be learned. You’ve done it your whole life, but now you’ve taken it for granted. You took your first steps, walked into a new school and introduced yourself to new people all throughout your life. At some point, you let negative thoughts get in the way and now you are talking yourself out of doing things and being the person you want to be. Stop it.